Observations From a Pissed Off DMV Driver

WARNING: There will be foul language.  Not my normal occasional hell, damn, or shit but full on F-bombs.  Please read no further if you are faint of heart.  However, if you also get angry and frustrated with those around you in your daily commute, read on.

For those of you who don't know, DMV stands for District, Maryland, and Virginia.  It is how we refer to our area amongst friends.  Now that you know, welcome friend.  Come join us and hang out for awhile.  Just don't do anything I am about to gripe about or you'll face my ineffectual, anonymous, Internet wrath.

To put this rant in perspective, my wife and I commute Monday through Friday from Baltimore down to the DC/NOVA area. 

Granted, we chose to do this. 

We love living in the city of Baltimore.  It's inexpensive, quirky, and has a small town feel with big city conveniences.  As opposed to the overpriced, crowded, and annoying DC and NOVA.  However, both of our jobs are in the DC Metro area.  Eventually we can transfer to offices up towards the house but, for the time being (and for the last year or so) we have to commute in.  As you can imagine, driving through two states and the nation's capital can be an adventure and it is. You see the best and the worst of people.  And this is dedicated to the worst people.

Before we go further let me tell you, I am not a perfect driver.  I do dumb things, and I have been guilty of doing the things you see on this list.  But, I try to make a very conscience effort not to do these things.

When Driving please don't:

1. Text, email, play Angry Birds, read a book, read a newspaper, balance your checkbook, do your make-up, learn to juggle, shave, brush your teeth, play with yourself, file papers, work on a presentation, or pretty much anything else other than driving.  When you are driving, DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR!  You can kill someone if you allow yourself to focus on anything else.  Do the world a favor; shut-up and drive.

2. Swerve in front of someone maintaining a safe following distance from the car ahead of them.  If traffic is heavy and you are behind me while I am maintaining a safe following distance and matching speeds with the car in front of me, speeding around me to get one spot ahead will not magically part the Red Sea of cars that is inhibiting you from getting to a job you hate 5 minutes earlier.  We're going the speed we're going because there's a ton of fucking cars and there is no way to make them go faster.  It's the speed of fucking traffic.  If you don't like it, leave your house at 5:30.  Trust me, no one is on the road then.  But, when you do that shit, I have to slam on my brakes and adjust my gaps again.  For no good fucking reason.

3. Indicate you want to change lanes by crowding the line instead of using your factory installed indicators.  DC cab drivers are the worst about this.  Put your god damned blinker on and I will gladly let you merge.  I know it can be a bitch to change lanes but, there are drivers who are courteous out there.  However, if you want to crowd the fucking line like you can bully me out the way you're going to learn the hard way that I trust my car's safety ratings and my insurance.  You will definitely be paying for all of my repairs too.  Don't think because you are in a F-250 and I am in a MINI that I will back down.  Asshole.

4. Tailgate someone going 15 over the speed limit.  On the occasion in which I am driving faster than normal, why is it some asshole in a GIANT Ford truck or some sort of SUV insist on tailgating me?  I realize that I am in the fast lane but as soon as I move over I'll be on someone else's ass.  Plus, anything more than 15 MPHs over the speed limit starts to get pretty precarious in commuter traffic.  Besides, if you want to drive 90 MPHs on the highway you better start maneuvering.  There is no fucking way I'm moving unless it is safe.  Sure, if I am only going 5 or 10 over I will gladly get out of your way but anything else is ridiculous.  Also, tailgating someone for going any other speed is ridiculous.  Go around them, or back the fuck off.

5. Rubberneck!  I spent 10 minutes driving two miles yesterday because an 18-wheeler was on the shoulder and people were driving slow so they could look at NOTHING!  He was stopped on the side of the fucking road.  Why do we need to look?  Who the fuck cares?  He wasn't blocking any part of the lanes.  He wasn't sitting in the flat-bed putting on a god damn magic show.  He doesn't have stripper poles with a bunch of ladies shaking it for free.  Do us all a favor and keep your eyes on the fucking road!

6. Go the speed limit or slower in the left lane.  If you want to drive the speed limit, good for you.  There's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, you're a better person then me because I tend to get impatient and want to drive faster.  Do us all a favor though and keep it to the right lane.  The road is defined by some loosely accepted rules and one of those is keep slower cars to the right.  Hell, some states put up signs on the highway saying exactly that.  What the hell is so hard about that?

7.Pull out in front of a car that is going fast.  Seriously, if you can't pull out and get your car up to the speed of traffic without causing me to slam on my brakes, your doing it wrong.  Stop it.  One day someones brakes are going to fail, they'll not be paying attention, or maybe they're just feeling malicious but they will hit you.  And it will hurt.  A lot.  And if there is any justice in the world, the officer will find you at fault and maybe whack you in the back of the head for being such a fuck-ass.

8. Brake before putting on your indicator to turn.  This is one of the most idiotic things you can do.  Especially when you have some asshole tailgating you.  Just put on the fucking directional BEFORE braking and the person behind you will know that you are turning and not slowing down because rapture is upon us.  What goes through your mind when you do this?  Do you think that you are the only person on the road?  Are you somehow unaware that our entire road structure is built around signs and information to insure that accidents don't happen?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Are you breathing?

9. Park over the lines in parking lots.  Here is a really great metric you should use next time you buy a car.  If you can't drive it, or park it properly DON'T BUY IT.  Simple.  Modern technology has come a long way.  You have three fucking mirrors, back-up cameras, eyes, lines, a god damn air traffic controller, and spidey-sense all helping you get your car between two white lines.  It's not that hard.  Or if you can't park it but MUST have that 3 row SUV for your one child, park in the back of the lot and walk.

10. Constantly tap on the brakes for no apparent reason.  Brakes are for braking.  If you must slow down for any reason, brake.  If you are tapping the brakes but not actually adjusting your speed, maybe you should skip that Lady Gaga song and move to something without such a consistent beat.  Auto123 referred to these people as "Morse code drivers" and I think that's brilliant.  Use your brakes only when you need them.  Anything else makes us drivers who ARE paying attention nervous because we think we'll have to brake and adjust our speed suddenly.

11. Driving with a dog or a child on your lap.   How fucking malicious are you that you want a living creature in your car that will quickly turn into a meat missile in the event of an accident?  You're stupid purse-rat doesn't need to cuddle you when you drive.  This is a GIANT safety hazard and will cause a MAJOR accident if you aren't careful.  Buy a god damn harness, or booster seat, or anything really to insure that people and animals that get into your car can be safe when you drive.  Because if you're doing this, there's a pretty good chance you're doing at least half of the other things on this list.

Really, I could go on and on but I fear that if I continue I'll give myself a damn aneurysm. 

Do us all a favor and stop fucking doing them.

And you know what?  If you ride with someone who does this, send them a link to this blog.  Here's your clue asshat.  Stop driving like a moron.  You'll make us all feel better.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go drive 45 in a 65 in the left lane...

Special thanks to @auto123 @BrownDogBlanket @SEVEN40iL @Emporio86 @RachaelonRoad @rdetanico @xsfdetail @CounselorGA @apawliuk @LoveMyLexusIS  


  1. If I took one thing from this piece, its's this: ASSHAT!

  2. Always love sharing my favorite swear words!


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